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Brain Dump and Reflection on my past friendly relationship with Mrina Natarajan

Updated on April 01, 2018 at the 01th hour
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This is more than likely to be the last story concerning Mrina Natarajan as I need to get things dumped in writing. This post is more of a brain dump and reflection.

In the middle of Feb, I wrote about my friendly relationship Mrina and reflected more on it and can definitely say things have been much better without the constant time drag and head games. I dunno what happened to her that she has matured into such a quagmire. I’m glad I wrote my letter and revealed it to her because it represented my true feelings and thoughts about her. I’m glad I wrote that post too because it represented my shift to a more serious tone.

How did it start out? 

The whole thing started because I had a tiny crush on her and decided to talk to her in the most relevant way possible. She was strikingly receptive to it all, so why not hang out with her. Seems like a cool person to me.

What were some of the problems?

Oversharing was the least of the problems. There is a limit, but I'm a curious guy anyway, so what is oversharing? Lol.

She seemed to have a thing against Susan Fowler, after the revelations, as if she did noot believe her or would have rather for her to not have said anything about her experience. I guess some people want the spotlight instead. I can only speculate on why, lol.

Do vegans eat dairy? A vegan who eats millk chocolate, cheese, eggs or the like. It is weird why one cares so much about labelling oneself as vegan anyway. Very superficial. They have a word for this diet.. It is called a vegetarian diet lol!

She tells me she has thoughts of jumping in front of the train and that is mind boggling. I asked myself why am I being told this? I brushed it off as a "call of the void" moment, but who knows maybe it isn’t and it is something she thinks about actively. It certainly would be scary if she actually tried this. Was it an attention grabbing question? Maybe.

I hired some freelancers and was talking about them being my “slaves”, since we talked about corporate slavery. Freelancers being my slaves was an obvious joke, regardless of the inside joke, especially since I am paying them and then somehow she slips into calling me "master." Lol, I must say it was interesting to be called that. I’m not into it, but I played into it by calling her a slave afterwards and it became our thing hahaha. Would I do it again to another woman? Only if that was their thing honestly. Good roleplay experience and I laugh it off till this day.

There were other moments where I was thinking she must be a BDSM kind of person with what was being talked about. I dunno, would have been fun to find that out haha.

Some dreary stuff... she was saying she crying about stuff like a dark past, life lemons and some other stuff. I dunno whether to believe it since I’ve never seen it. I dunno why I was being told this. Am I supposed to comfort her? I felt sorry.

She remarked how her past romantic relationships were abusive. Told me about her past potentials and their aggressiveness/passive-aggressiveness in trying to get her. Lol, why do I need to know these?

Was I really a friend to this person in such a short time? I don’t designate people as friends quickly. I think my own dark past prevents that from occurring. I'm an authentic person because of my own issues and risks I take. Just didn't think that anyone would befriend me that quickly. I didn't mind at the moment because it was a new experience for me.

If it was a just friendship then why send me some interesting pictures short time after getting my number? Holidays and all, but some could have been left out I think. Oh well, they are in storage now ;) hehe. I dunno many female friends that would send me those kinds of pictures unless they were quite interested in me or my attention. I go with attention because I wasn’t feeling that kind of energy from the times we did go out. She had a romantic look or stare after the times we went out. Maybe it was a look of endearment, I can't remember anymore lol. I'm not an easy guy to fall into that. I might fall into that if I saw the other person as just outright sexy. I think I just enjoyed the company and learning more about her in the end of it all.

I could not believe she had an extreme aversion to her father coming to visit her due to his new dependence on having an oxygen tank around with him. They visit each other before, so visits are nothing new. Seemed like she did not want him around cramping her "cali lifestyle"... What could I do other than subvert her feelings.

She invited me to eat with her and her father. I thought it was kinda odd to be seeing her father as I has not been talking to her very long, but I went and accepted it anyway because why not take the opportunity to learn and understand more. Schedule jumped around a bit during that time (reschedules). It didn't irk me, but yeah it seems that reschedules are her thing, which in hindsight is demanding (nice way of saying it) really. I pick dates and commit to them as I respect people's time.

She definitely liked to chit chat everyday, so I think attention really is what she thrives on. I’ll be honest, I'm a first timer in texting someone almost everyday. Talked to her more than anyone else in this time period. There were like 6 hour chats and crap. I don’t have any recent memories of talking to people on the phone that much, but it sure has happened. Tough for someone like me to do. Maybe it was secretly a way to get me to stop talking to her ahahahaha.

She put herself in the negative quite a bit to try to gain positive affirmation from me? I’m just not that kind of guy. This would be the kind of stuff I would do to a girlfriend rather than a friend. I don’t like faking compliments. If I had to give real compliments then it had to be something that blows my mind the kind of thing that grabs my attention! Again, it is one of those "don't let what I say get to your head" moments.

It was weird that she allowed me to come over to her place uninvited. She was enthusiastic about it too over text, so of course I would do it. I guess she quickly developed a good level comfort with me. It goes without saying I was “special” to her. Haha, not anymore!

She did talk about some of her issues with co-workers (past job and current) and other blah that I can't say I cared about because quite frankly... what did it have to do with me? I like talking, but it was irrelevant and seemed more like a venting to me that these things irk her to this day. We all have things that irk us, but I don't go around telling my friends. Maybe I just don't understand what was being thrown at me enough.

I got this vibe that she is an argumentive person, not at first. Funnily enough, I am told I'm an argumentative person too. Nowadays, I will walk away from yelling or arguments if I can or else if it happens too much I will unload on you and it won't be pretty. Avoid getting me to that boiling point. Boiling point eh? No wonder I wrote the letter.

She looks down on poor people and quite possibly darker skinned people who are not of asian origin. There is this big fear she has of homeless people LOL. She called herself "not typical", yet shows it in her action. Way too hard to change this mindset in a person as it is ingrained due to lack of experience or bad experiences.

On the previous point, I had joked she needs to look for a rich man due to her preferences and she, serious manner, does not want a poor man and etc. etc. She apologized to me for that statement and said poor people can have good hearts and blah for some reason. I guess she thought I was poor for me harping her on that. I wonder why is that? Poor me. Is it bad that I had the feeling she was poorer than me? Hehe. Treat people of all kinds with some respect or you deserve whatever comes to you.

I'm sure there were other negative things that I can nott remember, so I will dump here as it comes.

Buildup to the letter

Last time I went to her house (when we were still amiable). She had agreed to sushi before this time, but “forgot.” Give me a break.

Tried to mock interview me on the spot. Bad idea clearly. I laughed most of the time because it was ridiculous to me. I mean if you try to gauge how serious I am from that clearly I wasn’t.

She wanted to keep talking about my career despite me not wanting to talk about it. I was tired of talking about it and made that clear. I take calculated decisions as I had mentioned to her, so why we were still talking about it I don’t know. Everyone else was supportive of me taking the next step while she had been initially, looked down on my decision preferring to have had a chance to convince me to stay. Just not on the same page. Funny too as she was the first one I revealed any trace of wanting to leave and her saying to go do it. I guess my annoyance feelings at the time affected her deeply.

I was telling my short story of struggling times in the past and I observed an eye roll which definitely heated me up. I concluded the story with I gone through worse and will be just fine without worrying about my career.

As I am leaving I ask about sushi and she pushes sushi until a later day.

All in all, I felt an insanely negative energy coming from her for whatever reason and feeling that definitely pushed me over the edge that day. I really could not bear this person anymore. She sends me a text while Im driving and I ignore it. I fell asleep as soon as I got home and wake up at night to a second text as if she expected me to answer the first one. Apparently, I must has hid my energy so well and she thinks I must be wrapped around her finger or something? As much as I should have probably waited till the morning to reply, I figured we are adults and decided to send a jokey text instead to hopefully lighten up the mood and allay my own edginess. She played games instead adding to my edginess.

At this point I stopped making contact because I don’t know what is going on. I don’t even want to ask for fear of the same old “I don’t want to talk about it” or “it is personal”.

Sushi day that she proposed comes and she is being difficult about it. She says “we are not dating, so I don’t have to take her to dinner.” In my mind, I’m like wtf is going?! So much tension at the start of the day! I was calm at this time and just stopped bothering to make contact because I do not seek to argue about it. She contacts me later in the day trying to be nice about it and making talk while pushing the day off till later. Why even bother trying to push it? I don’t know.. just another time waster I’m thinking.

Day before the day she has proposed, she wants to reschedule again, due to “errands”, to a time right after my next interview (where she had asked me to refer her to lol) and that for me was the last straw! Uphill battle with no upside because what... I said I'll pay for dinner? Lol, immediate relegation to gold digger status (get her a better job) at that point. That’s when I released the letter to her and I know it cut deep. I was definitely not in the right mind at that time, but it had to be done! Do not screw with me!

Conclusion

By now, you can conclude she is lonely unless you are a dunce. She pretty much told me that early in our talks, so I thought it would be cool to have company as it sucks to feel lonely, but I guess it is like feeding the homeless right? Do it a few times and they get hooked with temporary sense of satisfaction. A bad way to go about saying it, but yeah.... what can you do? I am not a person who feels lonely even though I don't talk to people much. I like what I do and it keeps me distracted and engaged. I like making people smile with various antics from time to time.

It is so weird to me. I didn't even seek her as a gf (my actions speak for itself). It was pretty bad for me to play into what she desired knowingly.

Treat people with respect and you shall get in return. Treat people like shit and you shall get in return. Simple life rules.

I dunno how people maintain friendships and all, but I don’t tend to friendships where I cannot see the person once in a while outdoors. Face to face time is what I value more than texting... pretty simple.

The letter I wrote was sarcastic in the title because I was rather super annoyed. It was vitriolic and the comments I made after it were pretty vitriol haha. In hindsight, sort of regret the vitriol as I was pretty outta control and fighting hard against my logical thoughts (the kind of thoughts that moderate you).

I went out with a friend and paid for lunch. No difficulty, no reschedules… nothing. I’m not sure why it was difficult to schedule a casual sushi grab with a so called "friend.”

I’m usually quite aware of things, but my imagination can get to me at times, so I usually have to make sure my thoughts aren’t going wild.

On a positive note

I’m glad she cooked and offered food to me a few time and offered/made me cocoa when I came by her place.

I had some fun hanging out with her in general. I got to see how I would react when presented with extremities. Made me more knowledgable on why not to throw every emotion or thought you feel at someone.

I would consider hanging out with someone like her again from a very emotionally distant position as I would revert to my distant quiet disposition rather than talk. Probably better to just lend an ear and leave it at that. Leave when the talking gets to a point where you get uncomfortable.

It is hard to say where I could have improved my interaction. I’m sure communication could have been. Maybe less joking around if the other person doesn’t get the jokes, which is a massive buzzkill for me. Usually when I say I am just kidding... it really does mean It was a joke, but not sure if that was believed.

Probably the last time I’ll write about this stuff in particular as I think I am done reflecting on it. This is one of those situations where I wish I could say I was the bad apple here, so I can improve, but no, I’m gonna have to point the finger at the other person. I just can’t take responsibility for another’s disgusting behavior. 

Sometimes I cannot and could not help to think that she was testing me in trying to find bad qualities. If so, It is a terrible and unnecessary way to do it. I feel sorry for those who have to go through it and do not have the confidence or will to get out of it.

Yeah... totally unplanned and unprecedented post and I marked it as edgy.

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